Why ‘Going to Bed Angry’ may actually help your relationship.

Written by Amy Stump

Let’s Normalize taking time and space away from your partner, especially if you’re dysregulated.

What does this look like? Elevated heart rate, unclear vision, shaking and/tense muscles, or even emotionally shutdown or leaving the room. Regardless, this is not the place where you are feeling with your partner, but against. Neither of you are in a place to see that being with your partner is possible.

Your mind and body likely need time AND space to return to regulation.

It’s like listening to your favorite song at a concert that’s too loud and amplified. If the volume was turned down just slightly, you could enjoy listening to it again.

Taking time and space to be ready to approach each other is often what many relationships need. Staying up to hash it out can keep your mind and body in a state of stress and attack, and exhaustion will win out more than moving towards actual repair.

Having an argument to return to each other/approach repair afterwards can allow your mind and body the permission to down shift into regulation because there is a predictable ritual of repair with that person. Without it, the nervous system can feel that the relationship is in threat of ending (especially in the height of the moment). At first, this process of disruption can feel really big and heavy too, so it may feel really tempting to keep doing what’s familiar - whether that be staying up fighting or shutting down and never returning to the pain point over and over again.

If you’re struggling to disrupt or need help approaching repair with a partner, friend or family member, I invite you to schedule a consult with me for relational/couples/family therapy.

Looking forward to connecting with you!

Amy